She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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