Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
