You don't have asthma, your pregnant
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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