the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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