the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
