you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
