just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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