umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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