Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
