im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
