oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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