Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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