I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
