Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
