dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
