Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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