Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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