I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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