He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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