Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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