if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
