just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
