To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
