I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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