your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
