i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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