The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
