We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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