Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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