ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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