Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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