i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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