It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
