Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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