she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
