Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
