Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
