i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
