help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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