his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
