i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
