I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
