So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
