Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
