foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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