i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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