In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
