Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Who died my cat blue again?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
