I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
