Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
