I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
