What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize