The maid of honor just puked.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
