The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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