so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
