mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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