Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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