Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
