saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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