Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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