I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
