Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize