I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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