when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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