she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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