I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
