First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
