woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
