Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
