I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize