I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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