And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
